Scary Stuff - Zombie Survivor Run

Firstly, today is one of those curl up in the fetal position days although, I did just made myself get dressed so I could act like a real human. Whenever my throat is sore and it hurts to swallow, I have bad days because food taunts me with it's smells.

Bad days aside, Kill and I did the funnest zombie survivor run this Saturday to raise money for paediatric cancer. I was very frightened in the morning because I no longer run since my collapsing vertebrae experience of April 2012. Although I cried on the way there, because I have the hormones of both a menopausal woman and a teenage girl, once we got there we were good. I jogged a little, walked and was carried so it was kind of the perfect "run" in my opinion. We felt very proud of ourselves afterward because we pushed past the fear. Hooray to us and to our handing in of the insurance form to the zombie run people with a straight face. Fake till you make it my friends.

Love,

Cailey

New Hair at the Lake

Although we barely have internet here at the lake, I feel guilty that I've had my new, beautiful wig for so long without it's debut. It is strawberry chestnut with touches of blonde and it was dyed perfectly at Compassionate Beauty in Calgary, Alberta. I've never had a real hair wig before and I love how it air dries a bit wavy just like my real hair used to. This look involved wetting the wig, letting it dry over a MEC thermos and then putting it into a pillowcase for travel. Hearty little thing, my wig :).

Love,
Cailey

p.s. I got the best e-mail recently from a blog reader/cancie wife and it was like eating the perfect meal. She said that sometimes you just want to read about people living with cancer instead of "wish on a star" cure stories. I completely agree with her.

p.p.s. In case you ever look at pictures of people and think that your life isn't as good as theirs (Facebook, you awful website) know that it's not true. The pictures may look beachy but that glow you see? It's from a series of consecutive vomits which I performed in the wee hours of the morning and bless the Kill family because none of them even awoke!

So Many Things To Tell You About!

Old brows 

Oh my gosh my last post was 2 weeks ago!

That is simply too long and so much has happened my sweeties. I bought a human hair wig that is dyed a light, squirrel colour but a really, really beautiful squirrel. I am getting it cut tomorrow and then debuting it on the blog!

I got my eyebrows tattooed on and they look amazing and then today I got my eyeliner tattoed. See, I'm getting all ready to marry Kill in the middle of August and I want to be the prettiest, bald bride ever. It's not such a big group of people so I may have a sporting chance.

Well, I'm going to bed to watch the UK television show "Sherlock Holmes" will Kill.

New brows

When You Realize That You're Less Awesome Than You Thought

At least my toes look awesome

So, I normally feel pretty good about myself because I think that I'm doing all of these awesome things and that I'm vigilantly healing my body.  This last week, was not about that at all. This last week was rough.

Although I was super pleased that my most recent CT results showed my tumors shrinking, I had not realized that Dr. Webster had me on the lightest dose of this Red Devil chemo that exists. It turns out that he was so worried about the extreme side effects that he had me on the same dose that you'd give kittens or butterflies. Because I'm a foolish girl, I gamely told him to ramp it up and that I could take more. Up until now I had taken whatever was thrown at me so you could forgive my ignorance. Well, I'm so tough when I'm on whiffs of chemotheraphy but what happened when I was on the real dosage?

I became a dehydrated, sad zombie-like girl. I thought that no one could help me and that I would never enjoy the feel of liquids running down my throat again. I lived in fear of the dry heave (which was stupid because I still did it all of the time.) Side note: my abs are looking awesome from the heaving....one solace is that I can search bathing suit websites for ways to show them off even if the effect will be ruined when I barf while sun bathing.
 I would like to sincerely apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog and thought that I was tougher than them because I'm actually not tough at all. I'm sure that you're way cleverer than me and that you don't alienate all of your loved ones because you'd like them to leave you alone while you self destruct. I am especially sorry that I used the last 2 days to snark at my best friend.

Because blogs shouldn't focus on complaining, please know that I have a plan.

1. Borrow my mums juicer for next round and drink fresh juice so that I have some hydration. This will work because water tastes flat and stale but juice tastes good so long as it doesn't have preservatives or sugar because those things now taste disgusting to me.
2. Sequester myself in a room with a bed and sleep for 5 days after chemo. Speak to no one and then I'll be so grateful when I get to back amongst the regulars.
3. Go to the library and take out 12 books. Finish books while alone in my room.
4. Buy wet wipes so that I maintain passable personal hygiene during sequestering period.
5. Make a pile of 5 pairs of pajamas next to my bed for previously discussed hygiene.
6. Create a stack of enveloped notes for Kill and leave them where he is. That way he can have evidence that I was sweet, once, before the chemo. Include gifts with the notes.
7. Use Q tips to create a sweet smelling biosphere in my nose. You can accomplish this by Q-tipping a small amount of scented lotion up your nose twice a day. It really works, I used to do it when I coached Junior High wrestling.
8. Pre-write peppy blogs, set to post while I'm in sequestering room. That way I can seem way more "together" than I actually am.

The Key is preparation and that was my error this time. I fell apart because I wasn't anticipating the longevity or intensity of the chemo effects. I will not make this mistake again.

Love,

Foolish Cailey

Triggering a Hot Flash

Yesterday, grandma Sanka called and told me about all of our friends and family who can no longer read this blog because of the porn website redirect.  It straight up, triggered a hot flash which I often get from stress or embarrassment. I'm so frustrated with the internet and I feel so unknowing because this problem is more difficult to remedy than I had hoped. I am confident that I lost the rights to www.youngladyoldcancer.com for the year because my credit card information changed when my Visa was stolen in Mexico and now I have to redirect the blog to a new domain (a new www.) It will happen but it will take a few more days. I miss you guys too and I'm sad about both my stupidity and the difficulty involved with internet log-ons and such.

On the upside, totally got a win this week when a great friend from school recognized me. That never happens anymore. My favorite teachers don't, my friends from high school typically don't, and I can slip undetected into all of the malls that I've been banned from. That last one was a test because I would never jeopardize my access to shopping malls. You may have realized that I spend a copious amount of time in shopping malls. Sharve, one of my college roommates, says that my cheekbones and jaw look different now that I'm skinnier but I still feel that I look the same. I guess that some people are just good at facial recognition. They should use that skill to create a lucrative career in spy work.

Wish me luck,
Cailey

Testing Out Your New Medical Jargon

Last weekend at a bachelorette party the standard shenanigans were taking place which included round after round of shots done by everyone but myself and one sweet pregnant girl. We were five rounds of shots into the party when, a not intentionally unkind woman, told me that she is in Human Resources and she helps people like "me" with their work claims. I saw the signs that this talk was going to veer off course way before she spoke the words that would make me feel weird, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and let her proceed. I always hope that people will rein themselves in before they put their feet in their mouths, but then again I'm an optimist. With the verbal swagger of an adolescent who knows someone that's been to a nightclub, Ms. HR says to me "so, what's your prognosis?"


Oh honey... no she didn't just ask a bald, dragged-her-ass to this party, metastatic patient what her prognosis is. Did she? Even though I am a wrestling coach, I decided not to pin her to the sticky bar floor, because she was out of her league and I knew it even though she didn't. So down the rabbit hole we went. I hoped she was ready for this wild ride; her confidence in asking such a question was apparent, but not warranted. I gave her as little information as I thought she could handle while intoxicated and wearing a see-through shirt. Here's how our little chat went:


See-Through Shirt: So, what's your prognosis?
Cailey: (thinking pause) Well, I'll probably be on chemo forever.
STHR: (Bambi eyed) Like forever?
Cailey: Yup
STHR: (confused and starting to feel the delayed horror) and.....?
Cailey: and I'll most likely always have cancer.
STHR: (scared silence...)
Cailey: Let's get you guys another round of shots. The Godfather shot looks pretty good, huh?

I can only come away from this situation knowing that I learned a bit of a lesson, and I can hope that she learned one as well. The lesson I learned was that we don't need to embarrass those foolish enough to pretend they're as tough as people who have been through IT (whatever IT is, because anything that is really difficult could be IT.) If they are actually kind people then they'll find themselves embarrassed all on their own; there isn't a need to force the embarrassment.

She made the mistake of trying to sound smart when she really didn't know what she was talking about. I forgave her because I've made that mistake too and I'm still sheepish about my misunderstanding of the term "mile high club." It's not a very cool club to belong to unless you enjoy venereal growths and cramped spaces.

Love,
Cailey

The Night After Chemo....

Body Hair and Chemo

I tried to photograph my head hair but at least you can see my new brows

See my old brows? Those are all natural.

I have found that one question that few people are brave enough to ask but are curious about is the status of all your hair when a person is on chemotherapy. Although slightly rude to ask another grown-up about their pubic hair I'll admit that I'd be curious if I wasn't on the knowing end.

 About 10-14 days after your first intravenous chemo* you'll notice that your head hair is falling out more than usual but still within a range that isn't terrifying. Between days 14-17 it will come out whenever your head is touched and a lot will be falling out. You'll leave collections on your sink and your pillow as well as any hat you try on at the mall (sorry Lululemon staff.) After that you'll be motivated to cut or shave it because you'll start looking patchy and then you'll be baldish with a few strong hangers on.
After, at least, a month of treatment you'll notice that your armpits don't really need shaving anymore and that you have few leg hairs. I still have 20% of my arm and leg hair but it's very subtle also the pubic hair region is diminished by three quarters but not like a landing strip, you pervs. More like a badly tended lawn in Calgary that requires grass seed. There may come a day on this chemo, because it did on my last one, that you have almost no body hair left and that means no pubes, no leg hair, no nose hairs and I had only one eyeleash. I was on my last intravenous treatment for 11 rounds or 9 months and it didn't happen until halfway through. I also know that people pay many dollars to be hairless and yet, I found it kind of creepy so to each their own.

A bath in the shedding phase, after chemo

When you're hair grows back it comes back quickly and fairly thick. I needed to shave my armpits within a month of its return and my eye lashes were stubby but thick. Sadly, my eyebrows never came in as dark or as thick as they were before chemo but all my other hair returned to normal including my head. I know that some people have a change in texture or colour but that wasn't my experience. Now, are you happy to know this or completely grossed out?

*Intravenous chemo seems to be stronger than pill chemo as far as hair loss is concerned. I had all my hair during the 9 months I was on pill chemo but lost almost all when I was using chemo given by needle. It must target your fast growing cells differently because intravenous also affects your esophageal lining and gastrointestinal tract (other areas of fast cell turn over.)

Heck Yes, Hard Work is Worth It

Sometimes when I go to the gym, to yoga or swim laps, I feel like a person with no grace or stamina. It really feels like my endeavors won't accomplish anything but today I discovered that those efforts have changed the way my body both moves and feels.

Last fall, I was able to stop using crutches but I was still trying to regain my mobility. It was a slow process that had spanned over 6 months since I had had 3 vertebral disintegrations (thanks to bone-eating cancer.) I asked Curtis, the head honcho of trainers at World Health Macleod, to assign me a trainer who "was one of their best ones and who knew about backs" so he hooked me up with Patrick, a trainer who had a serious back injury a decade ago. The first day we trained together Patrick had me do a series of exercises to scope out my ability and twice I had to ask him if we could stop and I, embarrassingly, had to cry because the lunges and squats were so painful.

Today, I not only did unassisted squats and lunges but we added weights and I didn't have to cry at all! We were both so pleased and frankly, Patrick was also kind of surprised at how easy it was for me. I hadn't realized how much progress we'd made even though I'm in much less pain today than I once was. So keep at your athletics, stay moving even when it seems like nothing and you'll be rewarded with progress. If I can stop using canes and dance with Kill again after breaking my back then I know that you can lose weight, gain flexibility, feel beautiful in your body and so many more of your goals. Good luck and I know that you'll do so well.

Love,

Cailey

Toughen Up

Last week I felt a little rough as it turns out this chemo has started to reach it's highest level of toxicity. On Friday, dad and I went to the gym although I had to hop out of the car and vomit both before and after. However, my favorite part of the day was that he didn't offer to skip the work out and I didn't ask, so we helped each other be tough. I think that pretty often someone will give you permission to go home and relax and that you could take that suggestion and run with it but you shouldn't because you're not going to be great like that. You need to do things that make you feel proud and to be like the people that you most admire.

A few weeks ago I had two baseball hats made with the words Casey and Chemie on them as well as the blog on the back in embroidery. Patrick the trainer told me that after wearing my custom made Lids hat store hats (Lids store in Chinook Mall does custom hats for cheap for example, my two together only cost 45$) the trainers at World Health Club Chinook all read my blog and then posted about it on their website. It was really cool and he said that they're all really impressed with my toughness during cancer treatment. He also says that other customers want to know about me because they think it's great that a young bald woman and her dad come to gym so often. Way to go us, be great this week even if you have to barf mid-way through.

Love,

Cailey

Highly Recommended: A Straight Razor Shave

Dad and I have been broadening our horizons a bit this week. Not only is he my new gym buddy (few men would be so brave in their sixties, I might add) but he and I went to the barber's for a hot shave of my bald head.

I had thought of my need for a close shave when I realized that the front of my hair had fallen out much more than the back and that I was looking mighty patchy. I wasn't sure if I could even get a smooth head shave, being a girl and living outside of Chicago... but you can! We headed over to Northtown Barber Shop on 1161 Northmount Dr NW, Calgary and were welcomed for a drop-in shave. The sweet Lebanese owners, pulled out all of the stops for me and even recommended Nioxin hair products once I was done chemo to help my hair grow back-in thick and quickly. I learned that Nioxin was initially developed just for us chemies.

A shout out to my nurse Debbie Lamb, who floats between multiple clinics, just like Elle, and who said that she stayed up late last night discovering youngladyoldcancer.com. I was so flattered and now I know what it feels like to be famous, wonderful! So in conclusion, if you're losing your hair and you want to get the smooth effect then I recommend a hot shaving cream and straight razor experience. I can't wait for Kill to rub sunscreen onto my little bald head this summer! Yay!

p.s. If you see me in the flesh then I recommend that you rub my newly shorn head. It feels very velvety and you now have my permission :).

Coping With Chemo Delays

Delaying chemo is a very normal thing but it may drive you crazy as a friend, family member or patient because yet another thing is out of your control. I usually make all these plans (rides, magazines, movies that I plan on watching) only to have them completely changed due to my blood counts and the like. See, before each session of intravenous chemotherapy I go to the hospital on Thursday, get my blood taken and analysed, see my oncology team and confer on my health as to proceed with chemotheraphy.

The problem with chemo in the 1990's was that they hadn't yet figured out how to give the medicine without killing the patient due to side effects. Doctors have been refining this delicate balance ever since, by avoiding chemo when white blood cell count is too low because we need some infection fighters, hemoglobin is low (which clots our blood in case of cuts, keeps us warm and affects dizzyness or shortness of breath) or we have side effects which are too extreme such as constant vomiting or diarrhoea. If chemo was to proceed as usual then we might just get infected, become skeletors or have to be bubble people, no offence to the beautiful bubble people of the world.

This is why I've had to delay my chemotherapy infusions about 4 times in the last 2 years. Usually, white blood cell count reigns supreme as there is potential sickness every where and becoming a septic chemie is just not a good life choice :). I was delayed last week but I'll probably have a session this coming Friday (Friday is my day because of Dr. Webster's clinic schedule.) I was extremely flattered by my father last week because he told me that I handle these delays very well and that he knows some very tough people who he thinks would crack up in my situation. Thanks dad, I wouldn't have thought that I was going to be so good at rolling with it but I'm glad that I am.

No Surgery Day

My friend Lys Lam asked me if surgery was still on today and the answer is no. I forgot to tell you guys but I called last week and reminded my oncology team to cancel it. If it had gone through then it would have delayed my chemo schedule, possibly allowing my liver tumours to grow. I don't want to play around with the liver tumours because your liver actually does a very important job in your body. The surgery is still available to me and I may do it eventually as I'll always have a lot of scar tissue in my left breast and on the mammogram, leftie, appears to have heaps of micro calcifications (which are sometimes pre-cancerous growths). In my dreams, I have NEC and then I can elect to have both breasts done together so they'll look adorably symmetrical. Dream big I say.

My hair has been slowly falling out since last Thursday and now it's hit full steam. I let it fall out as it wanted to and avoided the hair tugging freak-out of last hair loss. This way was much better and allowed me to get used to it gradually however, last night it got to the point that I took the scissors to my own head Elle-style (Elle often cut off key pieces of her hair as a child, just for fun.) Kill always thinks that I look beautiful but I'll admit that my current hair cut is a stretch although I did let him clean up the back after I took this shot :). I took a creepy video of what chemo hair-loss is like but I think that you'll get the shivers. If you watch it, be warned!

Love,
Cail

Chickpea Crepe Recipe

I didn't post this yesterday because Kill told me, as I was about to make the video, that we had to go go-carting! Of course, how silly of me and it was also a dress-up party. Luckily, I am just that good to pull this off in under 20 minutes. I am Toad on the right of my friend, Princess Peach.

So without further ado, here is our Chickpea Crepe Recipe with Pan-Fried Vegetables!!

That Lovin' Feeling (for your hair)

You know when you've booked a haircut and then for days before it you think "my hair is so nice just the way it is and maybe I shouldn't cut it?" I always do that and it's happening right now because I know that this weekend I'm going to undergo a chemo-induced hair transformation. This week leading up to said hair event, all I can do is be in love with my current hair and my Mexico highlights. It feels good to be beautiful, in my vain opinion, even though I'll still be cute afterwards like this character in the 1979 Star Trek movie who is actually pretty darn hot for a baldie.

May you feel absolutely gorgeous today and thank you for the wig suggestions as they will factor heavily in my purchasing decisions.

p.s. look for tomorrow's recipe: Chickpea Crepes with Vegetables, stolen from Eagle Scout and his lady, the sweet Jimmy.

!

Losing Your Hair Again - Time to Update Your Wigs

The first time I lost my hair, I just bought synthetic wigs because they're cheaper and don't have to be styled, as they hold only one shape. I have a plethora of these fakes but none of them is absolutely perfect.

Here are the flaws in the above wigs, as I see them:
Red - accentuates my post-chemo pimples
Blond on loan from Kopi - great colour but the cut is not me
Long Brown one - gets in my face and feels cheap probably because it was wig-cheap (90$)
Browny red - A little drag queenie and I did buy it from a store for those of the cross dressing persuasion :)

One of my foibles is an overactive delight in shopping. I adore doing it and find it incredibly enjoyable. So shopping for a new wig is right up my alley and I could do it indefinitely! I know that I should probably get one really nice wig like my NEC (no evidence of cancer) friend Michelle but I'm torn because then it's less fun. So here are some real hair wigs from an online store that I'm considering. I need feedback on both color and cut. Okay, fellow style mavens guide me. First row is the same wig styled differently as is the second row albeit in a different color. The last row holds two separate wigs but both from the same brand which means they share color options.

Keeping with the Game Plan

I haven't posted this week because I've been having so much fun. Seriously, within 3 days of chemo treatment I felt great again. I'm lifting more weight at the gym, conquered that ab machine and have just been staying vigilant with my skin post-steroid treatment that goes along with chemo (gives you many pimples.) I know that it may get harder as the treatments progress but for now, I'm golden.

I also loved how many comments there were on the last post, I feel incredibly special and I liked all of the article suggestions! Even though things are so fabulous right now there are a few things that I want to keep in mind for myself:

• No coconut ice cream before bed because I got seriously hunted in my dreams last night
• Eat out less when I feel well enough to cook
• Keep taking 10 drops of vitamin D a day to manage my back pain, it's working so well
• Get ready mentally for hair loss and actually purchase one of those cute, Gabalmania Korean wigs online
• Do laundry
• Play with Kill because he was so sweet those few days after chemo when I felt like I swallowed a balloon full of fabric softener (not as bad as you'd think and it all stayed down)

Choice 1

Choice 2

Please vote on your favorite wig from the following. These bad boys are half synthetic and half human hair which is perfect because they're not too pricey but you could still use a curling iron on them. I'll also post some full human hair ones this weekend.
Happy fin de semaine (French for weekend!!)

Choice 3

Let's Do This

Yesterday, I had an appointment with Dr. Webster, a CT and had my blood checked. Webster's sweet face had a pouty lip, "It's not great" he says, still sad (that man is incredibly emotive and ready for anything you can throw at him.) What that means is that my liver tumours tripled in size and that my platelets are super low (an indicator that my bone tumours may also be active even though the CT results weren't back.) So sweet babies, that means that I'm starting the strongest chemo on the market today: The Red Devil or Doxorubicin. I'll say what I said to Webster and that is "I'm ready and let's do this." Metatstatic cancer is a long journey and this is how you manage it. So, I had a little cry about my cute hair falling out but it is what it is. I bought a velvet flower crown for our August wedding anyhow and it will look great on my bald, little head.

my flower crown

Doxorubicin is a cool chemo drug that was discovered in the 1950's and was synthesized from a strain of bacteria. It's wildly effective because it binds the strands of DNA from fast growing cells stopping replication from occuring. The downside is that causes strong nausea, is a scary red color and causes damage to the heart so you can only use it for 6 rounds and that's your lifetime dose.

My heart's healthy so bring on the red pee. I've eaten beets before so this is going to be nostalgic.

Love,
Cailey

p.s. Webster told me Kill and I one great little nugget of information yesterday, the people who get most nauseous from chemo are actually the ones who eat really well and don't drink or smoke because they're bodies aren't as used to toxins. Those Janis Joplin-like alcoholic, chain smokers? They do just fine :). He told me not to start though because it takes years to get to the proper level of debauchery for any effect to be noticed in terms of chemo.... although it is Saint Patrick's Day is on Sunday.

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

I should have known as much but Kill is right, the sun helps people heal. I feel filled up with energy from our family trip to Mexico. The other reason that I feel filled up is from the communal living because I think that living near other loved ones helps people feel connected and therefor healthier. It was glorious.

I ate fresh oysters from the beach and big, fat shrimp (minor vegan forays into seafood). Two more things that we know are good for ill people (and all people):

1. Sun, vitamin D, warmth
2. People, community, love

On another note, I am getting very excited for surgery and I'm saying goodbye to my left nipple every day. It's such a pleasing thought to remove the hard lumps that I feel when I hug, sleep on or lounge with Kill. I use a version of Grandma Lavender's mantra many times each day "I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm healing and my immune system works perfectly." It makes me so much less scared and I think actually, that "the Yam" (one of my tumors names) is shrinking in response.

Happy Yam shrinking, sun getting Wednesday!!!

Cailey

What If One of Your Babies Gets Really Sick?

Because I'm a fairly young person, I turned 27 this month, my parents are vital and strong. Most people who get serious illnesses are in their 50's and beyond so they're parents are older than mine. This is great for me because my parents help take care of me but it's tricky for them because they're healthy but their child is not and that seems out of order.

My mum asked me once after yoga if I felt bad because "my old mum can do things that I can't anymore" and asked whether I felt envious. It hadn't occurred to me to be envious of her because she has her own things, like a crushed tailbone after having Elle, and she's worked hard to be healthy. Another time, I was out with my dad and he was hurting from doing tile cutting the day before. He was moving more slowly than usual and I realized that he's getting older too. I told Rory that it's okay if he gets older but that I don't want him to get a really hard disease like cancer....and then I remembered that uh, I have cancer. He must feel so much more sad because he's the dad and I'm his kid. My future father-in-law, a joyful man who doesn't often show his inner feelings, also turned to Kill's mom and asked her  "What are we going to do about our Case*?" after I was diagnosed. It was a rare moment for him to show how he felt helpless in this scenario. I'm not sure at all what it's like to be a sibling whose brother or sister gets very sick. I'll ask Elle to write something from her view sometime.

It's an interesting situation and our family is one of many who have experienced it. I even know one family who lost their baby to an autoimmune disease... which would really be so excruciating. I'm not sure if I can help my parents deal with this by doing certain things but they've said that when I help myself by being active and positive that it helps them. Sometimes, when you're having a low point, as a patient, remember you're value to your community. That's the only thing that I've figured out so far but it's important. If you can't quite be awesome just for yourself then be awesome for a loved one :).

Cailey

*Case is my nickname amongst Kill's family. I got it in Mexico because the "l" in my name was too tricky for native Spanish speakers to say :). Within his family, you aren't really in until you have a nickname, for example, the beautiful girlfriend of Kill's brother is affectionately nicknamed Midge the Fridge.