Testing Out Your New Medical Jargon

Last weekend at a bachelorette party the standard shenanigans were taking place which included round after round of shots done by everyone but myself and one sweet pregnant girl. We were five rounds of shots into the party when, a not intentionally unkind woman, told me that she is in Human Resources and she helps people like "me" with their work claims. I saw the signs that this talk was going to veer off course way before she spoke the words that would make me feel weird, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and let her proceed. I always hope that people will rein themselves in before they put their feet in their mouths, but then again I'm an optimist. With the verbal swagger of an adolescent who knows someone that's been to a nightclub, Ms. HR says to me "so, what's your prognosis?"


Oh honey... no she didn't just ask a bald, dragged-her-ass to this party, metastatic patient what her prognosis is. Did she? Even though I am a wrestling coach, I decided not to pin her to the sticky bar floor, because she was out of her league and I knew it even though she didn't. So down the rabbit hole we went. I hoped she was ready for this wild ride; her confidence in asking such a question was apparent, but not warranted. I gave her as little information as I thought she could handle while intoxicated and wearing a see-through shirt. Here's how our little chat went:


See-Through Shirt: So, what's your prognosis?
Cailey: (thinking pause) Well, I'll probably be on chemo forever.
STHR: (Bambi eyed) Like forever?
Cailey: Yup
STHR: (confused and starting to feel the delayed horror) and.....?
Cailey: and I'll most likely always have cancer.
STHR: (scared silence...)
Cailey: Let's get you guys another round of shots. The Godfather shot looks pretty good, huh?

I can only come away from this situation knowing that I learned a bit of a lesson, and I can hope that she learned one as well. The lesson I learned was that we don't need to embarrass those foolish enough to pretend they're as tough as people who have been through IT (whatever IT is, because anything that is really difficult could be IT.) If they are actually kind people then they'll find themselves embarrassed all on their own; there isn't a need to force the embarrassment.

She made the mistake of trying to sound smart when she really didn't know what she was talking about. I forgave her because I've made that mistake too and I'm still sheepish about my misunderstanding of the term "mile high club." It's not a very cool club to belong to unless you enjoy venereal growths and cramped spaces.

Love,
Cailey

Stage I Bitches or Dealing with Shallow People

The title of this post sounds snarky and it kind of is. My friend Kopi is a stage IV breast cancie and one day she started to talk to me about stage I bitches. She explained that these people spend their time telling you how great it is that their cancer was caught early and that they are going to be just fine. During the conversation, they completely ignore that yours was not caught early or has progressed and that your chances of being fine are significantly lower than theirs. They tell you about their flawless lumpectomies and how they never did chemo! How fun for them :). I will add that I'm always happy when someone doesn't have as serious of cancer; it's just that it's not nice when they rub it in.

Since I like to believe that people are usually kind and generous, I think that these people would be this way regardless of their staging because they are just self absorbed and shallow. It actually has nothing to do with being stage 1 because many early stagers are fantastic human beings. The Stage 1 B that I talked to today (dripping in diamonds and with kids my age) reminded me of Gwen from the movie America's Sweethearts. It's a movie that Elle and I used to watch even though I was Gwen the mean and Elle was Kiki the kind. Sibling relationships have so many layers don't they?

Too bad we've all met those other people who talk about themselves incessantly and could give two craps about you. That's okay though because I only make the mistake to talk to them once and then I'm too clever to do it ever again :). May you never get cornered by shallow drips and if you are then use the eyebrow lift, like me, to show them that's they're being weird.