Firstly, today is one of those curl up in the fetal position days although, I did just made myself get dressed so I could act like a real human. Whenever my throat is sore and it hurts to swallow, I have bad days because food taunts me with it's smells.
Bad days aside, Kill and I did the funnest zombie survivor run this Saturday to raise money for paediatric cancer. I was very frightened in the morning because I no longer run since my collapsing vertebrae experience of April 2012. Although I cried on the way there, because I have the hormones of both a menopausal woman and a teenage girl, once we got there we were good. I jogged a little, walked and was carried so it was kind of the perfect "run" in my opinion. We felt very proud of ourselves afterward because we pushed past the fear. Hooray to us and to our handing in of the insurance form to the zombie run people with a straight face. Fake till you make it my friends.
So, I normally feel pretty good about myself because I think that I'm doing all of these awesome things and that I'm vigilantly healing my body. This last week, was not about that at all. This last week was rough.
Although I was super pleased that my most recent CT results showed my tumors shrinking, I had not realized that Dr. Webster had me on the lightest dose of this Red Devil chemo that exists. It turns out that he was so worried about the extreme side effects that he had me on the same dose that you'd give kittens or butterflies. Because I'm a foolish girl, I gamely told him to ramp it up and that I could take more. Up until now I had taken whatever was thrown at me so you could forgive my ignorance. Well, I'm so tough when I'm on whiffs of chemotheraphy but what happened when I was on the real dosage?
I became a dehydrated, sad zombie-like girl. I thought that no one could help me and that I would never enjoy the feel of liquids running down my throat again. I lived in fear of the dry heave (which was stupid because I still did it all of the time.) Side note: my abs are looking awesome from the heaving....one solace is that I can search bathing suit websites for ways to show them off even if the effect will be ruined when I barf while sun bathing.
I would like to sincerely apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog and thought that I was tougher than them because I'm actually not tough at all. I'm sure that you're way cleverer than me and that you don't alienate all of your loved ones because you'd like them to leave you alone while you self destruct. I am especially sorry that I used the last 2 days to snark at my best friend.
Because blogs shouldn't focus on complaining, please know that I have a plan.
Borrow my mums juicer for next round and drink fresh juice so that I have some hydration. This will work because water tastes flat and stale but juice tastes good so long as it doesn't have preservatives or sugar because those things now taste disgusting to me.
Sequester myself in a room with a bed and sleep for 5 days after chemo. Speak to no one and then I'll be so grateful when I get to back amongst the regulars.
Go to the library and take out 12 books. Finish books while alone in my room.
Buy wet wipes so that I maintain passable personal hygiene during sequestering period.
Make a pile of 5 pairs of pajamas next to my bed for previously discussed hygiene.
Create a stack of enveloped notes for Kill and leave them where he is. That way he can have evidence that I was sweet, once, before the chemo. Include gifts with the notes.
Use Q tips to create a sweet smelling biosphere in my nose. You can accomplish this by Q-tipping a small amount of scented lotion up your nose twice a day. It really works, I used to do it when I coached Junior High wrestling.
Pre-write peppy blogs, set to post while I'm in sequestering room. That way I can seem way more "together" than I actually am.
The Key is preparation and that was my error this time. I fell apart because I wasn't anticipating the longevity or intensity of the chemo effects. I will not make this mistake again.
Sometimes when I go to the gym, to yoga or swim laps, I feel like a person with no grace or stamina. It really feels like my endeavors won't accomplish anything but today I discovered that those efforts have changed the way my body both moves and feels.
Last fall, I was able to stop using crutches but I was still trying to regain my mobility. It was a slow process that had spanned over 6 months since I had had 3 vertebral disintegrations (thanks to bone-eating cancer.) I asked Curtis, the head honcho of trainers at World Health Macleod, to assign me a trainer who "was one of their best ones and who knew about backs" so he hooked me up with Patrick, a trainer who had a serious back injury a decade ago. The first day we trained together Patrick had me do a series of exercises to scope out my ability and twice I had to ask him if we could stop and I, embarrassingly, had to cry because the lunges and squats were so painful.
Today, I not only did unassisted squats and lunges but we added weights and I didn't have to cry at all! We were both so pleased and frankly, Patrick was also kind of surprised at how easy it was for me. I hadn't realized how much progress we'd made even though I'm in much less pain today than I once was. So keep at your athletics, stay moving even when it seems like nothing and you'll be rewarded with progress. If I can stop using canes and dance with Kill again after breaking my back then I know that you can lose weight, gain flexibility, feel beautiful in your body and so many more of your goals. Good luck and I know that you'll do so well.
Firstly, today is one of those curl up in the fetal position days although, I did just made myself get dressed so I could act like a real human. Whenever my throat is sore and it hurts to swallow, I have bad days because food taunts me with it's smells.
