When You Realize That You're Less Awesome Than You Thought

At least my toes look awesome

So, I normally feel pretty good about myself because I think that I'm doing all of these awesome things and that I'm vigilantly healing my body.  This last week, was not about that at all. This last week was rough.

Although I was super pleased that my most recent CT results showed my tumors shrinking, I had not realized that Dr. Webster had me on the lightest dose of this Red Devil chemo that exists. It turns out that he was so worried about the extreme side effects that he had me on the same dose that you'd give kittens or butterflies. Because I'm a foolish girl, I gamely told him to ramp it up and that I could take more. Up until now I had taken whatever was thrown at me so you could forgive my ignorance. Well, I'm so tough when I'm on whiffs of chemotheraphy but what happened when I was on the real dosage?

I became a dehydrated, sad zombie-like girl. I thought that no one could help me and that I would never enjoy the feel of liquids running down my throat again. I lived in fear of the dry heave (which was stupid because I still did it all of the time.) Side note: my abs are looking awesome from the heaving....one solace is that I can search bathing suit websites for ways to show them off even if the effect will be ruined when I barf while sun bathing.
 I would like to sincerely apologize to anyone who has ever read this blog and thought that I was tougher than them because I'm actually not tough at all. I'm sure that you're way cleverer than me and that you don't alienate all of your loved ones because you'd like them to leave you alone while you self destruct. I am especially sorry that I used the last 2 days to snark at my best friend.

Because blogs shouldn't focus on complaining, please know that I have a plan.

1. Borrow my mums juicer for next round and drink fresh juice so that I have some hydration. This will work because water tastes flat and stale but juice tastes good so long as it doesn't have preservatives or sugar because those things now taste disgusting to me.
2. Sequester myself in a room with a bed and sleep for 5 days after chemo. Speak to no one and then I'll be so grateful when I get to back amongst the regulars.
3. Go to the library and take out 12 books. Finish books while alone in my room.
4. Buy wet wipes so that I maintain passable personal hygiene during sequestering period.
5. Make a pile of 5 pairs of pajamas next to my bed for previously discussed hygiene.
6. Create a stack of enveloped notes for Kill and leave them where he is. That way he can have evidence that I was sweet, once, before the chemo. Include gifts with the notes.
7. Use Q tips to create a sweet smelling biosphere in my nose. You can accomplish this by Q-tipping a small amount of scented lotion up your nose twice a day. It really works, I used to do it when I coached Junior High wrestling.
8. Pre-write peppy blogs, set to post while I'm in sequestering room. That way I can seem way more "together" than I actually am.

The Key is preparation and that was my error this time. I fell apart because I wasn't anticipating the longevity or intensity of the chemo effects. I will not make this mistake again.

Love,

Foolish Cailey