Keeping with the Game Plan

I haven't posted this week because I've been having so much fun. Seriously, within 3 days of chemo treatment I felt great again. I'm lifting more weight at the gym, conquered that ab machine and have just been staying vigilant with my skin post-steroid treatment that goes along with chemo (gives you many pimples.) I know that it may get harder as the treatments progress but for now, I'm golden.

I also loved how many comments there were on the last post, I feel incredibly special and I liked all of the article suggestions! Even though things are so fabulous right now there are a few things that I want to keep in mind for myself:

• No coconut ice cream before bed because I got seriously hunted in my dreams last night
• Eat out less when I feel well enough to cook
• Keep taking 10 drops of vitamin D a day to manage my back pain, it's working so well
• Get ready mentally for hair loss and actually purchase one of those cute, Gabalmania Korean wigs online
• Do laundry
• Play with Kill because he was so sweet those few days after chemo when I felt like I swallowed a balloon full of fabric softener (not as bad as you'd think and it all stayed down)

Choice 1

Choice 2

Please vote on your favorite wig from the following. These bad boys are half synthetic and half human hair which is perfect because they're not too pricey but you could still use a curling iron on them. I'll also post some full human hair ones this weekend.
Happy fin de semaine (French for weekend!!)

Choice 3

Existentialist Crisis

I'm a little scared to post this one but acknowledging dark thoughts is healthy and better than pretending they don't exist. I finally realized that for the last number of months I've been acting a little introverted and anxious (for myself, we all have different behaviors that are normal for us.) Kill and I figured out that it's because I've been focusing on my expiration date, the statistical likelihood of exceeding it and jealousy of people who don't have one. He titled this my "Existential Crisis" which I'll admit sounds pretty academic. I remember in French school, Elle and I read depressing works by Albert Camus and they mostly went over my head but the long and short of it is this "do all the things we do in our lives matter?" For example, if I'm going to expire in 3 years then does it matter if I get to wrestling practice at 3:30pm or 3:50pm? We see this in patients will life threatening illnesses who say things like "I'm going to eat whatever I want with the time I have left". They're saying that there is no chance of longevity and only the quest for pleasure. I totally get them even though I'm not behaving that way.

I know that right now my mum is reading this and reaching for her coat to come to my house because she's sure that I've lost it, but stay with me:

• I know that I matter to those around me and I know that I love living
• I also know that by concentrating on death, it takes away from the joy of our lives
• There are expiration dates everywhere but I shouldn't be angry at people who haven't been given one because It's not their fault that I am seriously ill

I think that this type of thinking isn't strange in certain scenarios and that we need to say "It's normal to go to dark places when what you're having to do is really hard." I once told Kill that the ladies he dated, that came before me, did me a favor because they made him the man that I think is the best one. I plan to live my life that way too because however long I live will be enjoyed and valued by me. So when you don't think that your chances are going to get better please know that you're not weird and that anyone can have a "Camus" crisis. I really should get to wrestling on time though :).