I'm a little scared to post this one but acknowledging dark thoughts is healthy and better than pretending they don't exist. I finally realized that for the last number of months I've been acting a little introverted and anxious (for myself, we all have different behaviors that are normal for us.) Kill and I figured out that it's because I've been focusing on my expiration date, the statistical likelihood of exceeding it and jealousy of people who don't have one. He titled this my
"Existential Crisis" which I'll admit sounds pretty academic. I remember in French school, Elle and I read depressing works by Albert Camus and they mostly went over my head but the long and short of it is this
"do all the things we do in our lives matter?" For example, if I'm going to expire in 3 years then does it matter if I get to wrestling practice at 3:30pm or 3:50pm? We see this in patients will life threatening illnesses who say things like "I'm going to eat whatever I want with the time I have left". They're saying that there is no chance of longevity and only the quest for pleasure. I totally get them even though I'm not behaving that way.
I know that right now my mum is reading this and reaching for her coat to come to my house because she's sure that I've lost it, but stay with me:
- I know that I matter to those around me and I know that I love living
- I also know that by concentrating on death, it takes away from the joy of our lives
- There are expiration dates everywhere but I shouldn't be angry at people who haven't been given one because It's not their fault that I am seriously ill
I think that this type of thinking isn't strange in certain scenarios and that we need to say "It's normal to go to dark places when what you're having to do is really hard." I once told Kill that the ladies he dated, that came before me, did me a favor because they made him the man that I think is the best one. I plan to live my life that way too because however long I live will be enjoyed and valued by me. So when you don't think that your chances are going to get better please know that you're not weird and that anyone can have a "Camus" crisis. I really should get to wrestling on time though :).
