Passing of a Wonderful Young Lady

Cailey, who had been living with stage four metastatic breast cancer for the past two and a half years, passed away on August 30, 2013. Cailey and I (her husband, Kill) had been told by her oncologist on August 9th that her liver was failing and that she only had a few weeks of life left. After that day Cailey and I strived to fill our remaining days together with as much love, life, and fun as we possibly could. We took bike rides along the banks of the Bow River in Calgary, we walked in the community of Kensington and drank tea, we sat together and we laughed. Amidst all of that we also threw a wedding in the beautiful community of Hills, BC.

Cailey was the most genuine, loving, and caring person I have ever known. I can't help but feel that the world is a sadder place without her in it, but then I think about all of the things that Cailey has taught me over the years.  She taught me to be kind to myself, but more importantly she taught me to be kind to others. She showed me that when I make sure to meet the needs of others they will in turn help me meet my needs too.

Cailey's goal in life was to find happiness each day, and although some days seemed more difficult than others, she would always find a way to do something for herself to be happy. Sometimes this just meant sitting and drinking a cup of her favourite tea or listening to her favourite song, but most of the time it meant connecting with the people in her life that meant the most to her. At a sad time like this, Cailey would have desired for everyone to take a portion of their day to be with the people they most cherish. Sit with them, laugh with them, be with them. And although Cailey's passing is tough to bear she left me with a simple statement:

"I loved you all so very much. Please miss me but don't focus on my dying because you'll do me a disservice :)"

Cailey's life was full of love, and when she passed away she was able to leave having experienced so much in her short time. She had travelled the world, she had turned her passion of teaching young people into an enriching career, and luckily for both of us she had met someone whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It is rare to have had such a short but rich life. It was an honour to have been a part of it with her as it is an honour to be writing this letter to you all now.

I love you and I miss you Cailey.

Kill

People who think they can!

I'm safe from the super nausea drug and I feel fantastic. It's so great to feel better, isn't it? I started a new type of chemo (in pill form) which seems decent and I keep my adorable hair. Woo hoo!

Kill and I are off to the interior of British Columbia for several weeks so posts will be infrequent; however I'll be listening to one of my favorite songs: People who think they can by the Waifs on our travels. If you have any suggestions then please tell me and I'll add them to my yoga burrito/road trip playlist.

Merry July :)

Know a sickie? Gift ideas for someone starting chemo

I've received some beautiful gifts since I've been diagnosed and I felt very loved. I've also received a few gifts that I found unpleasant (an unusual bible full of hellfire and brimstone is not a good gift for someone with a disease that often kills). I did 10 rounds of chemo and here's a list of the best ones for someone starting out:

1. Unscented lotion (I didn't mind perfume smells but for many it causes nausea)
2. Unscented lip balm
3. A tub of Vaseline (for inside their poor little noses)
4. A travel sized Q-tip package to put the Vaseline inside their nose
5. Travel Kleenex (you get so many nosebleeds)
6. Comfy socks
7. A portable blanket for chemo (I got one from all my colleagues at school and one from my future mother-in-law and they were great)
8. Cute pajamas if they're having surgery... not sexy ones though
9. Gift cards for their favorite restaurant. Wait a month in to find out what food they now hate, I hated garlic, onions, curry and cumin. In fact, by the end I had asked Kill not to eat them because kissing him afterward was too much
10. Movie passes (it's dark so no one will see their baldness)
11. A baseball hat or nice toque
12. An eye mask to block out hospital lights
13. Loan of an Ipad or tablet. If you download VLC then you can upload movies and shows for them
14. An earphone splitter and two sets of earphones so they can have guests watch too. I got my splitter at Urbanoutfitters.com and 30$ headphones at Sony
15. A thermos for tea (mine is from mec.ca)
16. Portable snacks, like sushi, yum.
17. A ride to chemo or a pick-up
18. A foot massage to distract them at chemo or after
19. Magazines because you can't concentrate well enough for books
20. Maybe an attractive pair of stretchy pants, I recommend Lululemon if you're feeling really generous
21. A haircut for when their hair falls out 
22. Plastic flossers in case their fingernails disintegrate
23. A pimple extractor (I got mine at Community Naturals) because without fingernails it is impossible to get that whitehead...careful though they'll scar easier
24. Love, a card or a picture

May you never need to use this information :)

Love,

Cail

Is hope more difficult when you "know"?

There are illnesses that pack a wallop of emotion. Usually, this is because they are incurable, they are degenerative and things are still unknown about their cause/treatment.  Two things happened yesterday that caused me to think this over, even though, I've thought about the scariness of cancer before.

My traditional Chinese doctor: Dr Tanya Kelloway (she's a fantastic, hopeful person), told me that in China she had a patient who was told he had cirrhosis of the liver when really he had liver cancer - with a short life prognosis. His family was consulted after his tests and they decided that "knowing" he had cancer would not help him, so they took him in as a cirrhosis patient and he continues his life past his due-date*, oblivious to cancer. In China, the families often decide if the knowing will be helpful or hurtful and they participate in all of the care. This idea is counter-culture for people in the west who want to know, want to cut and want frequent checks for status. Both ways have a place for human beings, I think. I'm, mostly, glad that I know that I have cancer, although, some days you get so frightened like when people give you "death face". This is a look that shows their fear of your eventual demise. I dislike death face and I've realized that only my acquaintances ever display it in their features. My best people, have never shown it to me because they don't blindly think of my death. We all get scared but we know that there is hope; also death face is selfish and my peeps aren't selfish.

My sister Elle and I have another sister (a woman who doesn't share our DNA but shared a lot of our life), told me that her friend and illness mentor committed suicide recently. Not only is this sad and scary for her but it creates a sense of hopelessness. If someone who shares your disease doesn't want to live anymore what does that mean for you? It means, that we all make the best choices that we can and just as we don't all share a talent for photography or live in the same type of house, our circumstances can lead us to different paths. Sometimes, you lose your spirit but I think that you can get it back, even if you can't always see it. I'm so sorry that her friend lost hope and I believe in my other sister to be healthy and strong for many years. She is exceptional.

I think, that the actions of the people around you are enough to buoy you toward hope and yet if negative, they can also to drag you down nearer to hopelessness. I've seen it happen and know that it's true. Tell someone out there today that they'll be okay because you can help it become true.

So tell me, would you rather know or not know about something awful?

Elle does things that other people would think were hard :)

*Due dates bother me for illness, if someone wants a personal expiry date it's because they are getting death messages all around them. What if they were told that with positive life change they could be exceptional? Would they be exceptional? My mum once told me that I was really good at writing nice things in cards, I really wasn't, but after that I tried so hard and now I think that I am good at it. Trivial example but sometimes people rise to the praise they receive.... I do this all of the time with Kill but shhh...don't tell him.

My autonomy

I can't pretend to understand what it's like to be ill when you're a teen or a parent but as a young adult there are some fun quirks. For example, my partner, Kill, has given me (unsolicited) advice on the healthfulness of my diet. People want me to survive so badly that it, occasionally, overrides the reality that I'm a functioning grown-up. Don't worry though because I nipped that in the bud every time and I choose to be a very healthy eater. Actually, if you ever want to talk about illness diets, I'd love to hear from you on the blog.

The flip side of that behavior is when I get deferred to and I'm asked to make decisions over other, more senior, people around me. I'll get asked what the group wants to do, how long we can do it or I'll have to option to do something solitary. I'm rarely bound by social chores anymore which is pretty awesome/weird.

I sometimes think that if I was in my 50's or 60's this second type of behavior wouldn't be weird because I would have earned it through my generous life. My body would be consistently aged instead of aged in sections: old back, hips, nails, eyelashes and young arms, legs, face, breasts (except for a pesky tumor but they still look fine). Luckily, I've never felt more wise (well, as wise as 20-somethings can be) or understanding of life. I now know that making a bed is nearly impossible for someone with an injured back, old/sick people get strangely cold or that you shouldn't be too angry at those slow drivers - fast speeds actually hurt their bodies!

 At the end of the day, I'm getting more clever and learning strange lessons that are at least 50-60 years early. I've been bald, had cankles and been bought orthopedic pillows. I know that strangers will tell me that I'm going to be okay and have shown me love. People are kind and luckily, I get to be the boss often enough.

What's your weirdest aging moment? Did it feel timely or out of place? Maybe aging always feel shocking?

People are good

One of the ways that life is different after diagnosis stems from my belief that human beings are, mostly, generous and kind. What this means is that you will get advice on how to cure or delay your illness. I try to listen carefully and make my face appear invested (even though unsolicited advice has never been my greatest pleasure) although, I don't always agree.

Just as in regular life, I put more stock in the advice of certain people. I would heed the advice of a cancer survivor or a friend with Fibromyalgia more readily than a healthy-for-now, cigarette smoker/alcoholic. Would you take banking advice from a homeless person?

However, I think that people try to give advice because they like seeing good people live longer and I think they wouldn't give it if they thought that it was bad... that being said, no nurse should tell a 20 something reproductive cancer patient to drink condensed milk like I was told at chemo school. That remains advice that was completely wrong for me and I did not follow (plus it's disgusting).

The best advice I've received?

Calm your mind, keep out the fear, don't eat sugar, set goals, exercise in any capacity (I'm, bravely, going to a pool today to strengthen my back after injury), stay connected to others and sing to yourself. The last one is my favorite because I do that anyway and it's lovely when advice is perfectly in-synch with your current self. When in doubt, I always revert to the national anthem (in both languages).

What's your best advice for me? What has been the best advice you received? I'll even ask if you've gotten any "condensed milk" advice :)?

What's the goal?

I feel the love, there's nothing quite like your family discovering your blog and commenting on it. It made me both pleased and slightly embarrassed!

My step-father asked me last night if I was still going to send out my e-mails because he preferred those to a blog format. I thought it was a great question because it hadn't occurred to me that this blog would be for my loved ones to get updates on me. I send out e-mails to my 50 nearest and dearest each chemo (there were 10) and now I send one every few months.

The real purpose of this blog was to foster hope amongst all of us with an illness and the people that love us. There are down days where you might feel less sparkly and I want to ride those days out as a community. If you feel surprised, discouraged, if someone has tried to give you a well-intentioned "reality check" about your condition* or if you've lost the ability to do something you once did then you could feel empty of your spark. I feel that way too but I give myself strong pep talks about my goals:
1. I want to live to the age of 50 (once I meet this goal, I'll make a new one)
2. I want to melt cancer
3. I want to feel joy

When I lose sight of the goals, I remember that my spirit is my greatest tool in reaching them and that the stakes are too high for defeat.
What are your goals or what are the goals you want your sickie (er... sick loved one) to achieve?

*could anyone need a reality check less than a cancer survivor/patient? Seriously, sometimes people just don't think. I'm going to remind myself that there is only love (even for idiots).

Cancerversary

I recently posted a review on the website Anthropologie and I was so pleased with myself that I'm taking the next step. Well, I'm pretty sure that blogging is the next logical move :). I recently had my first cancer anniversary (I was diagnosed in April of 2011). I wasn't sure what the protocol for that day was but I had Ethiopian food, watched hockey and took a walk with my boyfriend. He decided that cancerversaries were also engagement opportunities! I couldn't have been more pleased because now that's what I'll think of every year. Way to go Kill (that's my fiance's online name)! This is a picture taken after our engagement - good thing Kill reminded me to take one because I wasn't firing on all cylinders!

What do you do on your cancerversary? If you haven't had one yet then what would you like to do?