Putting yourself "out there"

I've had the best e-mails from people that I know and who love me. I few of them have told me that they're nervous of putting things on the internet. I see their point because as a teacher there are things we're not recommended to put up either: anything rated R, criticizing our school district or personal information about our students.

I'm not worried about putting this on the internet, I suppose that someone could stalk me but I sincerely doubt it! I want the most amount of people to share in my mantras. Which are are that people survive and that it could be us, that there is hope and that human beings do amazing things. I recently read on the Young Adult Cancer Blog that "you can't wish cancer away" and I got scared that with illness you can't create good change with your mind/actions. Kill saw that quote differently, he thought that it meant that you must go further than wishing and create new practice in your life to foster change. I felt instantly better because, of course, that's true and I do that each day. i think that we all do that, in little steps. Like my grandma's 15 minute Guerilla Gardening (that's exactly how I clean too). Do what you can and then feel proud of it.

I'm proud of all my peeps out there, you're really helping me feel loved and it's working.

The looking good, feeling bad paradox

Yesterday, my friend Michelle told me that she is back at work after finishing chemo/radiation. She looks like anybody else (actually, she looks way prettier) but doesn't feel like her old self. This is the paradox of illness, sadness or stress.

Sometimes you look like crap but you feel fine - this often prompts certain types of people to tell you that you "look tired". Which is a seriously annoying but manageable reality of being stressed from work or family*.

I look scary, but chemo is working!

Although I look cute, I've been diagnosed with cancer and tomorrow I'll talk about my cancer with 300 of my students so that they understand why I'm leaving.

The opposite side of the paradox is when you look fine but something is wrong inside of you. I often wonder what people are living through and wish I could understand all of their secret circumstances. What if, like Michelle, you look young and vibrant yet you can't do much physical labour without great fatigue? People will think that you are lazy, a sissy or unfit. However, you don't want to advertise your illness because this sense of "normalness" is what you wished for when you were sporting that hairless cat look months ago. Perhaps you are suffering from great sadness or you've lost an important person.

How can you let people know that you  need to be treated a little nicer than usual without bursting into tears? I haven't figured this out yet. This was obvious to me last week when I didn't want to ask for help out with my groceries at Community Grocery even though I can't lift them :). I kicked them out to my car until a girl my same age carried them the rest of the way. She was lovely and I felt a bit mortified/grateful.

What's the best way to ask for help? How can you intuitively tell is someone needs it?


*One strange truth I'll share is that I started developing wrinkles after working as a teacher for a few years. Now that I've been off for a year, my wrinkles are gone. I just thought that was weird that life can take wrinkles away if you change something... although I am in my 20's so I'm clueless about real wrinkles and feel free to tell me so.

Exercising - foolishly?

Every person that knows I'm sick has told me to "stay active". Although it can be annoying advice, I do agree with them because bodies work better when they can move. Last Friday, I went to a pool and I swam laps in the slow lane. I zig-zagged around for about 20 minutes, rather gently, I thought. However, for the last 4 days my right chest muscles have been so unhappy. The problem with vague advice like "stay active" is that I have no clue about the parameters.

Is working out more aggressively and longer better? Should I stay flexible? Should I do martial arts to get out my aggression or perhaps body building? This too is trial and error, just like most things in life. Here's what I know so far:

• Wrestling or sports where you get tossed around like a rag doll aren't ideal if you have weak bones (in my case due to cancer).
• Intense running can be a bit hard too. Running on grass is better than concrete (it's sad that this wasn't obvious to me).
• Cycling is lovely and low impact. Plus you can watch HGTV if you're at a gym.
• Walking is good, especially with a buddy.
• Light free weights can give some aesthetic definition to an illness ravaged body.
• Swimming and yoga are good but go about half as hard as you think you should (it would seem that concept is lost on me). If you do stay flexible and your back goes out you can use your feet to find clothes and dress yourself. I'm so grateful that this happened to me because I was not found both nude and immobilized.
• Congratulate yourself and try not to feel sad if you can't do what you once did or what other, hotter,  people are doing. I tell myself that I'm going to age more attractive than I was. Just watch it's real :).

In times where you're body wasn't it's strongest what exercise did you choose? What has been effective?

Although you guys aren't the most enthusiastic commentators so far, I will wear you down!

My autonomy

I can't pretend to understand what it's like to be ill when you're a teen or a parent but as a young adult there are some fun quirks. For example, my partner, Kill, has given me (unsolicited) advice on the healthfulness of my diet. People want me to survive so badly that it, occasionally, overrides the reality that I'm a functioning grown-up. Don't worry though because I nipped that in the bud every time and I choose to be a very healthy eater. Actually, if you ever want to talk about illness diets, I'd love to hear from you on the blog.

The flip side of that behavior is when I get deferred to and I'm asked to make decisions over other, more senior, people around me. I'll get asked what the group wants to do, how long we can do it or I'll have to option to do something solitary. I'm rarely bound by social chores anymore which is pretty awesome/weird.

I sometimes think that if I was in my 50's or 60's this second type of behavior wouldn't be weird because I would have earned it through my generous life. My body would be consistently aged instead of aged in sections: old back, hips, nails, eyelashes and young arms, legs, face, breasts (except for a pesky tumor but they still look fine). Luckily, I've never felt more wise (well, as wise as 20-somethings can be) or understanding of life. I now know that making a bed is nearly impossible for someone with an injured back, old/sick people get strangely cold or that you shouldn't be too angry at those slow drivers - fast speeds actually hurt their bodies!

 At the end of the day, I'm getting more clever and learning strange lessons that are at least 50-60 years early. I've been bald, had cankles and been bought orthopedic pillows. I know that strangers will tell me that I'm going to be okay and have shown me love. People are kind and luckily, I get to be the boss often enough.

What's your weirdest aging moment? Did it feel timely or out of place? Maybe aging always feel shocking?