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| Old Cailey circa 2010 |
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| New Cailey circa 2012 |
On the weekend, mum and I went to yoga with our favourite yoga teacher at Bodhi Tree (Jamie) and it was sensational. About halfway through, while everyone else was twisting their spines in corkscrews, I felt the sting of hot, frustrated tears that happens when I wish I could do something that old Cailey could do.
At that hot, sweaty, yoga moment and for the first time since I've been diagnosed with cancer, I had a talk with myself about my split personalities: New Cailey and Old Cailey. This is what I said:
"Hi, I know that we're attached to Old Cailey which is why some things are so hard because she could do a lot. But you know, we're not the same as before and Old Cailey is never coming back. Her body, her mind and her heart have been intrinsically changed so she can never return to us but this is okay. We got better because we are smarter, braver and grittier than ever before. We've been through some crazy things in the last year and a half: we broke our back in 3 places, we coach wrestling at our dream job location, we talked to med students, we convinced surgeons to operate, we've been bald and we've bravely faced the possibility of death. I didn't think we could do it but we have; isn't that crazy? Yes, Old Cailey had a smokin' bod and some nice boobs but she didn't know pain and she didn't always know how to deal with tough times. Do you remember when Old Cailey wrote several e-mails to her friend and mentor, Jen, whose mum had just died of cancer, only to delete them and never console her friend? We are better now and we know how to be kind. These changes are permanent so it's time to let her go. Good bye Old Cailey, you voluptuous and slightly-selfish girl, we love you because you got us here."
Now, I've never had a baby but I imagine that there a lot of times in a beings life where changes are irreversible. It's strange and scary but it's the way and we can deal with it. Let something go this week, if you're ready, because no one wants to see someone desperately clinging to something long gone. It's just not healthy and we're all about the health here at youngladyoldcancer.com.
11 comments:
Wow Cail, what an amazing self awareness! You are so much more in all ways. Old Cailey was awesome but new Cailey has so much depth. You always were an old soul and now you are wise beyond your years. I am so proud of you. xoxox
Cailey, I love you. You inspire me so much.
Thanks you two, you're comments make me feel clever and special. Carter, feel better :).
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and for the invitation to let go and embrace change. I so admire your courage, honesty and wisdom. Your blog is a blessing.
Mx
Cail, your strength and courage is without a doubt an inpiration to all who read this blog. The majority of us have a lifetime to deal with the reality of our health changes.... how spoiled we are...how courageous you are. I think the new Cailey is such an admiration ! I love you tons. xxoo
Cail, just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I have enjoyed your blogs. Your insight, honesty and humor are refreshing and bring a real depth to dealing with the day to day living with cancer. Thank you.
Although I kind of liked old Cailey, she's yesterday's news. New Cailey is so 2012!
I'm really excited to see the 2013 model Cailey.
Kill,
You always write the best posts and say the perfect thing to support Cail! That was so sweet. You make all the difference and you are amazing! Mo
This blog gives me the nicest interaction that a sick person could hope for. People in other towns can love me from a distance and I love that. Thanks guys :)
Im so proud of you, my friend. You continually astound me with the grace, beauty (always) and strength you possess as you deal with all these winding roads that life has stuck you on. You would have every right to sulk in a corner and eat mounds of ice cream, but dude, you continue to *live* your life, and that's some serious awesome stuff. I love you, Cailey. I can't tell you that enough. You're a great example of the type of woman I hope my daughter becomes.
So
K
Kayla, I know it's the menopause, but I kind of cried after I read your post. What an incredible thing to say to a person :). You're so lovely.
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