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| Old Cailey circa 2010 |
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| New Cailey circa 2012 |
On the weekend, mum and I went to yoga with our favourite yoga teacher at Bodhi Tree (Jamie) and it was sensational. About halfway through, while everyone else was twisting their spines in corkscrews, I felt the sting of hot, frustrated tears that happens when I wish I could do something that old Cailey could do.
At that hot, sweaty, yoga moment and for the first time since I've been diagnosed with cancer, I had a talk with myself about my split personalities: New Cailey and Old Cailey. This is what I said:
"Hi, I know that we're attached to Old Cailey which is why some things are so hard because she could do a lot. But you know, we're not the same as before and Old Cailey is never coming back. Her body, her mind and her heart have been intrinsically changed so she can never return to us but this is okay. We got better because we are smarter, braver and grittier than ever before. We've been through some crazy things in the last year and a half: we broke our back in 3 places, we coach wrestling at our dream job location, we talked to med students, we convinced surgeons to operate, we've been bald and we've bravely faced the possibility of death. I didn't think we could do it but we have; isn't that crazy? Yes, Old Cailey had a smokin' bod and some nice boobs but she didn't know pain and she didn't always know how to deal with tough times. Do you remember when Old Cailey wrote several e-mails to her friend and mentor, Jen, whose mum had just died of cancer, only to delete them and never console her friend? We are better now and we know how to be kind. These changes are permanent so it's time to let her go. Good bye Old Cailey, you voluptuous and slightly-selfish girl, we love you because you got us here."
Now, I've never had a baby but I imagine that there a lot of times in a beings life where changes are irreversible. It's strange and scary but it's the way and we can deal with it. Let something go this week, if you're ready, because no one wants to see someone desperately clinging to something long gone. It's just not healthy and we're all about the health here at youngladyoldcancer.com.